Why Most Relationships Don’t Work?

Most people are interested in some sort of relationship. However, the majority of them don't work.


Broken relationships is a cause for major stress and in some cases a cause for major financial loss. There are many reasons for this global trend, which seems to be increasing rather than decreasing.

These are my reasons:

1-Different Human Needs:  According to Tonny Robbins, we humans have 6 needs: 1-Ceratinty -2-Uncertainty/Variety -3-Significance -4-  Love/Connection -5-Growth -6-Contribution. If a person wants  a relationship out of a variety need, and the other person wants it out of  love/connection, this relationship is destined to be short lived. The two persons have different intentions behind same relationship. The second person in this example wants a long lasting one while the first wants it for a short time. Even if the two persons want it out of the same need, but the degree of need is different, it may not last. This is why sometimes we hear that one partner did not try enough to make it succeed.

2-Wrong Communications: According to Richard Bandler, people have 4 main types of personalities: visual, tonal, Auditory Digital (thinker), & kinesthetic. People communicate according to their mode of personality. A visual person would use words that are not quite understood by a tonal person. Example: a visual partner would explain to the other partner that they should "See" the point. The other tonal partner, would like to "Hear" about that point, so as he/she can determine if it "Sounds" right. Partners when trying to have a dialogue with each other may have a communication problem because they do not understand each other well. Virginia Satir was an expert in family therapy, mainly because she was successful in removing those communication obstacles and teaching couples how to use  certain words  for different personalities.

3- Different Personalities: men & women think and behave differently which is a result of their different personalities. Dr. Clare Graves has classified human personality according to the values level. Usually women are more value 6 level which is peaceful and more sociable while men can be level 3 or 4 or 5. Usually level 6 women are attracted to level 3 men who are macho and more self-oriented. Level 5 women who are independent and business-oriented may not feel comfortable with level 3 men.

There are other differences in personalities such as selfish, arrogant, … etc.

4-Different Education Level:  successful communication needs common factors and references. When the partners talk to each other, and they don't have common points or references, the conversation would turn negatively. A psychological/mental barrier would result, and gradually the two partners would realize that they are different. They have different minds.

5-Different Common Interests: Love is in the heart, not the brain. Sharing and experiencing similar things would strengthen the emotions coming from the heart. Common interests activate the similarities in feelings which means positive mutual emotions will be generated, that ultimately can lead to love and long time relationships.

6-Sexual Dissatisfaction: Whether in marriage or outside it, sex remains a very important reason for relationships. Unsatisfactory sex is for both men & women, but more women are not getting sexual satisfaction, for many reasons. Research shows that men are more sexually satisfied than women. Many women even do not reach orgasm, and in some countries the numbers are very high. According to Elisabeth LIoyd, in her book "The Case of the Female Orgasm," 33 studies conducted during the past 80 years show that only 25% of women reach orgasm!

7-High Stress Level: If one of the partners is experiencing high stress because of past bad experience – usually in childhood- or what is called Severe Emotional Experience (SEE), and  could not get rid of it, the relationship may fail, even if the other partner is sympathetic or helpful.

8-Changes in Energy: The energy of both men and women is changing rapidly. The man's energy which used to be masculine is becoming more feminine, and the woman's energy which used to be feminine, is getting more masculine. Current lifestyles are behind this energy imbalance. It is interesting to realize that the same factors that make men more feminine are the same that make women more masculine.

Fact: men want women, women in physiology and also personality. Women want men, men in physiology and also in personality. This difference between the two is a major cause for attraction for the two, and once this difference is shrinking, the attraction will also shrink, and ultimately, we have a relationship imbalance. Once this energy imbalance continues, men become attracted to men and women attracted to women.

One more thing: a macho man does not mean an abusive or chauvinistic man. A feminine woman does not mean a weak or inferior person. Long lasting relationship needs both parties to acknowledge their rights and respect them. Masculine and feminine are not about superior/ inferior relationship, rather it is the natural energy balance.

There are other causes of relationship failure, and more details about sexual dissatisfaction, but these are beyond the scope of this brief article. 

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